I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
You Might Also Like
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Did…did a minotaur write this
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Accurate
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.