I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Breaking news:
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?