Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
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[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.