Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
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Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that