PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
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COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
channeling her this year
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
So the ex texted me