As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
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Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.