You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
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damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure