As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
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Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.