A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
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WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister