[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
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*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us