I’m not proud
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If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Me driving through Toronto
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice