I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
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6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything