[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take