When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
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Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
this came to me in a vision
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Thrilling chase underway
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol