“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
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At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.