SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
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Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*