I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
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Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
One of the best
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
inventing words: clothing
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it