me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
You Might Also Like
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear