I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
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My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Safety first
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
This was a bad idea all around
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
me refusing to leave twitter
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.