Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
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scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.