[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out đ
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“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Nobody ever says âOMG I saw your twin!â and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. Itâs always like âOMG I saw your twin!â and then itâs a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and PeaceâŚ. of course it was due in 1978, but thatâs not really relevant here.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
haha, if iâm supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the dennyâs parking lot?
starting a garage orchestra
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, âSir?â I ignore it. âSir, whatâs that in your pants?â I walk faster. âSomeone stop that man!â I run.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Atheists, if Jesus isnât real then explain this.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
God: youâre a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly youâre a bird arenât you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that canât fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] donât cry donât cry donât cry.