Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
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I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
i smell a pulitzer
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.