I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
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A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.