*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
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Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
The answer is funnier than the question
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun