Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
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Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
yes… yes…
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.