Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
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Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.