Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
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But I really needed water water water
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Born to be mild.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.