Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
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“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?