The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
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My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Breaking news:
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
At Walmart during the holidays like..
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.