a god among men
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My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.