I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
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Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.