GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
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I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.