I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
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“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
When libraries troll their patrons.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.