I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
You Might Also Like
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Admin smashed it 😂
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.