All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”