At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
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How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.