ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
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“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*