you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
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angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Smells like a challenge to me
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?