Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
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PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I’m not lazy
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Thursday
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
✌️
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???