Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
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I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping