How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
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As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.