“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
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[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
best first i’ve ever seen
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye