If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
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[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Swedish for common sense.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.