me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
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Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Don’t make me out nice you.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS