Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
It’s an epidemic…
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules