Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
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I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
My dog learned how to text