Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
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[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6