My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
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Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir