Don’t talk down to me
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*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
The Weeknd is back
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.