“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
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Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
and now we wait
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
channeling her this year
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.